Monday, February 24, 2014
Sometimes I don't like to tell some people about the issues I have with my dad because they don't understand. I can't effectively put them into words as well. Besides failing to understand, some like to think that their issues with their dads are comparable to mine, which sad to say, are definitely not. They blow up their matters, making my issues seem minor. But seriously their issues are so frivolous that I don't know why they even bring them up. Maybe there couldn't even be a comparison. But if there is an ascending scale to measure the seriousness, I'm sure their matters will be ranked at the bottom. Sometimes I forgot and I told these people in a spur of frustration, like I just wanted to get things out. Then I regret, because they don't understand. Also because they don't give me the replies I want. I know I sound like I'm sick or something. I don't even know what I want when I tell these people. Why do I even tell them. Just like when people tell me about their issues, I'm not even interested. Because I've my own to deal with. So I've come to a conclusion. That is not to say anything more. Cause after I told them, they replied me with their (stupid) issues, which are nothing close to what I'm going through, I get pissed off. Cause I feel like they are trying to tell me they are going through what I'm going through. And I'm now telling you that you're not. And I know you can't read this. So it defeats the whole purpose. But I need to get it out. so I'm here typing away. Everyone has their own issues. I just don't like how some people reply me like their issues are greater a problem than mine. Maybe it's in their tone. They don't find it silly? Well I suppose so.
Freaking many things to blog about but I really don't feel like going through the thinking cycle again. It's so exhausting.
In summary, the ceiling leakage is causing much distress to us because my dad cannot handle the situation mentally and emotionally. Cause of this stupid issue, he's turning into some crazy bitch. Worrisome, attention-seeking and pathetic as always. And this issue also surfaces many problems people have with him. That being a daughter, I'm so fucking numb. Every day I think about how I will be if he dies. I harbor this evil thought like can he just disappear/die from my life or something. He doesn't have to die. That's irreversible and too wicked. but can he just get lost from my life? That fear, disdain, disgust still exist. I dread his phone calls. Like just get a life. He doesn't. He's so bloody weak. Being a man, he's such a failure. I don't know how many times my grandma has cried over this useless son. His brothers don't even want to see him either. And I will never get why my mom just doesn't divorce him, still entertains his nonsense. I'm becoming so cold. It's like we went to visit him the 2nd time he admits into the hospital. He looks so dying. It's like. I won't be surprised he dies that night or something. I didn't even want to look at him. Why is he so fail? I really don't know how to show him concern because all that bad feelings are there. I don't even like him as a person, how do I like him as my dad, not to even say love? I didn't even want to talk to him. All the talking is getting on my nerves. They don't get to him. He is just wasting our breaths. On the cab back home, I did tear/cry whatever that was. So I knew if he died, I would cry. Like I'd just take his death as a regret like. not my regret, but his. He didn't know how to cherish his life, and cherish others. All he do is talk. Since like forever. Like until now he still doesn't know why everyone 'hates' him, shuns him. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. All these drama he's been putting up. All these drama we have to put up with. Can it all end already. I'm so sick and tired of the state of my life right now. I know the main issue is with the owner upstairs who doesn't give a shit about ceiling water leakage (caused by their waterproofing wear and tear so leaks to my house), but if my dad can handle it the way a normal person do, we wouldn't be so fucked up.
Ya ya just so tired of this. My god.