Sunday, December 07, 2014
For the first time, I'm doubting myself when I type "blogger.com" into the web address bar.
That's how long I've been missing in here. I'm so sorry for neglecting this space. It used to provide me comfort and solace as I pour out all my thoughts. But it's really tiring these days to have to arrange them, so I chose to ignore and forget. So what brings me back I need today? I don't know.. just randomly. I felt that I need to be here.
Lots of stuff have taken place, you can be well-assured. For one, I've been talking about my dad a lot here. & so here's a quick update of him: he is now working, at a welding company @ Ang Mo Kio, 830am-6pm, Mon-Fri and alternate Saturdays. It really is happening lolol. He has taken a rather drastic change after his return from the hospital's mental ward (he sort of admitted himself in as he told the doc that he wanted to commit suicide and thus was put under observation). He has become more like a person, more normal (like us), and starting to let things go. Which is good. A win-win situation. He is working, his time is occupied, his mind is occupied, he doesn't hang around idly anymore. He is earning enough for his daily expenses, doesn't need to depend on my mom. My mom gets more liberated in a sense. & we get more peace too in the house too.
On and off time, I would get hit by the reality that people will leave me. I'm really dreading that day. I really do not want to face it. You know? It would be so devastating. :( Every time I watch a movie, I watch a show, newspaper, online articles, music, anything that portrays death in any ways, I will feel v strongly. It's just always at the back of my mind. Telling me to cherish my love ones, to spend more time with them. :( Life is sad. Don't understand why do we need to live when we have to die ultimately. It is just so sad. All these things we have to go through.. what is the purpose of it? Is that why people always go back to their religion, to find their purpose in life? :( Sobs.
And work. My work. I clearly know it is not what I'd enjoy in the long run. But for now, I'll continue with it and lead a 'normal' life - gain the relevant exp and then move on. It is not work that's complicated, it's the people you work with that make things complicated. All those 'hidden' rules, customs and whatever that we have to be cautious about. Pretty sure I'm the dumbest among them with relation to such issues, from the umpteen times I got 'taught' by my better colleagues. But still, colleagues are colleagues. They gossip like ENDLESSLY. Even buying a packet of 20 green tea sachets that cost $3+ would invite comments like, "fel v rich leh! buy so exp tea. mine is $2+ for 50-60 sachets leh!" -.- yes, let's take a moment to roll our eyes. & this comment came from 1 of my better colleagues.. you get what I mean? It's like those colleagues who are so-called your 'comfort zone', even they make such.. senseless comments that are just o m g? The workplace is really full of gossips. FULL OF THEM. Everything you do, things you say.. intentionally or in the saddest case, unintentionally (which more depressingly, always my kind of case), gets scrutinized and quite usually negatively interpreted. Even when it's just plain truth. Serious. I'm most of the time just stating facts, plainly, uncensored. That's why I get 'taught': "No fel, you don't have to say everything truthfully, just say that blablablabla can already. Like this how we blablablabla. Later they will think blablabla.". So for everything I say, I must think about: omg. what will be interpreted from this?? will it cause negative thinking about me? blablabla. -.- omg. just. Honestly, do you think that fel is such a person?? NO LA! I just say whatever is the fact. & honestly, do you think that fel cares what people think of her when she states facts? NO LAAAAAA. I tell you I go where I do what I what what what. what you want think you go and think la what you want tell others you go and tell lor! -.- siao sibo. I always need to go think about how you think. You think play game -.- siao. This is my amazing singlish HAHAHAA. but seriously, IDGAF!!! but this is the workplace, there's still this hidden rule to live by. & fel has brought back a precious lesson, that is: SIMPLY NOT TO SHARE TOO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF WITH YOUR COLLEAGUES. & like, we had this appreciation party. They told me they got a shock, didn't know I'm someone so high one. -.- okay. can. you just don't know the real me thats all. really. why the surprise? As in, like it's a big deal. -.- there are many things I can say about my interactions with my colleagues. but omg. I don't want a replay in my head now. It's just irritating!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should know how much I hate about not being able to be myself. I'm just someone this simple. Just let me be. -.- haiiiiii. BIG SIGH.
Okay I want to end here. Cuz I'm hungry I need to feed myself with the food that my mom dabao back. and then to scanning scores for ntu ppl. and to prepare to go work tmrw (not so excitedly). :(
#suchislife? #mustitbethisway?