Monday, March 13, 2017
Listening to Ed Sheeran's Dive while trying to do work earlier on.. & then i ended closing my eyes & having all the feels over the lyrics :'( sometimes certain songs just speak to you. I took out my diary. The last entry was like on 30 Jan 2017. Ya. Like why do i have a physical diary & still keep a blog. Idk. The physical diary is of cuz for the close & explicit heart matters while the blog is like a summary or a relatively succint outpour of feels & thoughts. & also mostly i blog when im on the bed & feel compelled to put some things into (weak) words.
Flipping through the diary & realised that the whole book is all about one thing. & it's just full of sadness. Like endless of it. Cuz i know. Right from the start. That i shouldnt have.
But i didnt mind that ambiguity cuz we were close. It's better than now.? Now thrs just so much holding back. I dont even know since when "normal" becomes meaningless convo.. which to him, it's still talking & enough & that's fine. It's damaging enough on a friendship level. & has definitely damanged my heart. Cuz it's apparent my feelings weren't cared for.
I can't say those things, like how i really feel. Like i just can't. Cuz i know thrs almost no point in saying anything real. How do i say real things to someone who just wants to run away from all of it all the time. He's killing himself, & killing me.
I just wna go back to the past where everything was "normal". Where we had endless things to talk and laugh about. Where i think i knew everything & whr we treated each other "real".
But now. I wouldnt even mind if someone just kills me.
Cuz my heart is as good as dead.
Like what else matters.
Idk.
I dont even know why this is so impt to me.
Like just kill me.