We finally got together on 9 Oct 2017, Monday. It was a meltdown kind of confession and we both bear our hearts so bare, Ive never felt anything like that. I truly appreciate his honesty & raw soul. I also feel super comforted that he’s willing to try his best for me. :’( it’s a happy kind of sad smiley. & that he has finally come to terms that someone can love him selflessly despite those “flaws”. I love him & i love us now. So much that i want to say here but im kinda tired now. “cherish everyday” - thats what we are living each day for, & every day forever always. /heartshape

It's okay. When did my feelings ever matter.

I know I'm too fortunate to be thinking about how much a relief everything will be if im dead. But living is really a chore. Why do ppl bother to make their lives work when lives just dont work.

I rly just wna go peacefully in my sleep. Just let me go le. Im so sick of life. Really.

I won't hate you.

Cuz ily. :(

While im holding on thinking not to hurt him, what is he doing to keep me? Nothing. If it's real love it wouldnt be hurting this much. But cuz it's not. I know.. but what can i do about this? :(
It's always about putting himself first, whrs that thought for me. :(

Then i know just how much i mean to you.

Sometimes i wish i just sleep and never have to wake up cuz then i dont have to remember that we're not the same. I know it's a kind of obsession: over someone and a friendship/rs that aren't the same anymore. It's a kind of delusion. It's trying to hold onto something that has been dissipating. It takes both sides to keep it going. What can you do when one side stops? Nothing. Anything more is futile. Because feelings are diluted on that end. Doing more is just like stepping into quicksand. People label you as an annoyance. You used to be a human diary and then one day, you're nothing. & who ever considers the amount of hurt you'll go through? Feelings disregarded, leaving you no choice but to accept it and act like nothing is wrong and to move on. To numb. To switch off. Is that how it works? Idk. But i know i cant. & i know i dont mind carrying this pain. It has been latched on for going 2years..  does it matter? I guess not... he doesnt even bother enough to help me ease the pain. But it's okay. If one day i ever leave this world.. I hope you know that somewhere on this earth there was really a heart true for you, that was willing to accept you for who you are. You, The One who brought laughter and happiness into her life, despite it being shortlived. If only you were willing to treat it with the same devotion instead of just wanting the other things. It felt like my true feelings were taken for granted and were devalued into something that triggers other things. Why the word devalued.. cuz to me, true feelings always triumph over other things. But no one cared and appreciated the feelings.. it felt wrong, unwanted, cheap & stupid.

It's fine.. if it's meant to be, everything will turn out alright.

If it's not, at least i know that I've caught real feelings. :(

Miss you x I000000.

What can i do if he keeps doing things to push me away. To deliberately say things i do not like to hear just so I've no choice but to leave. Why? You can kill me all you want. I know i mean nth in your heart. It's all one-sided thinking that you'd give us a thought. :(

Still i hold on to that bit of faith. Is this how all stupid girls think? :(

Yes. For every time i walk past certain places where we have been where we have mentioned when i see things that we talked abt when things just remind me of him when everything just chants his name inside my head when every time i just want to share every piece of info w him then i realise hes nt thr and it's all unnecessary. Then i start to choose what are the things that i can say that he might be interested in what are the things i can share when he's nt showing interest blablabla. It's difficult. It is. Even more so when he told you that "i can feel that you're maintaining this". Like wow telling me straight in the face that I'm trying too hard? Idk. Shld i even be? Does it hurt him as much as it hurts me if we both are gone from each other's life? Does he want to be as involved in my life as much as i wish i can be a part of his? Idk anymore. Shld i be afraid to love? But to me, this is still mild. Im still nt overboard. I just wish that he knows that he's nt useless as how he always says he is & that yes thr is someone in this world who does care for him expecting nth much in return & that it's possible to be loved. Just that I'd hv to bear the weight & to love myself more since im nt receiving any from anyone. But i dont love myself more cuz im always trying to put him first. But he'll nvr know? Will he?

He wants sth from me which i cannot give. I want sth from him which he cannot give. We are seeking different things. But 1 thing is more precious than the other. The true heart, the devotion, the commitment. You rly got to see that person as everything to commit to that choice, isnt it.

I miss you :'(

I keep thinking and thinking about why we have to end up like this. All the things that we have to miss in each others lives. :( I'm rly fucking sad but he doesnt care. He doesnt. & i just feel so fucking broken. Why does our friendship has to suffer? :( but i know I can't force such things. What can i do? I rly dk.. is it i cant even check on him anymore? Omg. I rly wish i can just die & not have to think about this. It rly just sucks. I just wish he can come back. & we can be normal again. :( fuck this shit.

It's like I'm always holding on to that faith that things will work out in the end. That our friendship will not suffer cuz of 2 feeling hearts. Why should it? Isnt it precious that 2 people come together and realized that what they shared was real? That it was the truest soul they've seen, truest compared to what others have known. Thats why i still ache. Idw to let go of what i thought was real. & i want to hold the faith that you know it is real & thus you shld cherish it. We all deserve it. It's all a choice. :(

Been trying to sleep for the past hour but my mind just keeps playing back memories of you.

Then the ache comes again even though i just want to forget about it. I just can't.

I know you're washing me off. One day you'll wake up & no longer remember who i was to you.

But idw to forget you..

Such is the sadness. :'(

2 years ago 25 May seems like just about a normal day. But days afterwards weren't. They were happier days.

2 years later 25 May seems like just about any normal days. Like those days in recent months - empty, meaningless & sad.

Cuz you're no longer present in my life.

You choose to be absent.

After so much talking, we still end up so hollow.

After so much talking, it's still like we each lost a friend.

You can continue to numb your heart. But what about me.

It was never about me. Why did i ever think that you'd think for me..

Just why this.

I see the old us everywhere. Things we do, places we go, things we talk about, things we laugh at.. everything - but all in the past tense. 

I never thought that it would be this hard for 2 when thrs love. Is it cuz thr isnt? Is it cuz thr isnt enough? Why does it have to be this hard? & why is it that idm putting myself through this..

Why is it that you just can't honour your words :(

How many deaths do you want to put me through. Why do you claim that you like someone but make them cry tonnes over you. Why do you want to break my heart over and over again. Why :( why.........

Fuck this shit.

我真的很想很想你
以前的那个你

/ Since you left my body went numb
Like I'm swimming in Robitussin
In the purple
In the meadow
I remember you best
Maybe this world wasn't for us
Maybe we didn't give enough
In the purple
In the meadow
I remember you best /

Imysm. I wish that in your place there could be something else that occupies my mind, my heart.. But there is nothing else.. There's just you. I didn't ask for more. All I wish for is that our friendship, our chemistry never ceases. But why. Why. Just why. I can't do anything. I cant make you go back to how you were before. I can't. :'(((((((

Watched Coldplay's concert last night. The songs that have been looping, the lyrics that have been speaking - they all came to life. It was emotional; when the music transcends - into feels, into moments, into memories, flashbacks; into lost and real times. It's so much. :'(

/ the 11th day:
I've always been writing about how we are distance apart each other's lives in my diary despite daily "talking". I've always been writing about how I'm going to deal with that drift should it come one day. It is here now, & I'm in a state of daze. There were so many moments I wanted to share but I know you don't bother anymore. You pushed me away so many times. & perhaps it's the last now. I can continue thinking & it will continue to hurt & it's still futile.

I always wish that we could remain forever. I always wish that we wouldn't have to wake up. I always wish that we wouldn't have to come to this.

Perhaps there's a reason why I was always wishing..

My heart is so fucking broken. I don't even know how.

It's the counting again.. but i just can't even tho i miss you. I don't want this vicious cycle anymore. Thats not talking. It's meaningless. & it hurts cuz each time it just reminds me of the past i couldnt get to anymore. That i dont know anything about your life, that i dont know you like before. Don't you understand. Why do you want to do this again.

Just how much ache can a heart take. Can you tell me. Can you tell me just why it has to be like this. Why. :'(

Can't even talk normally anymore. It's used to be anything, fun joy & laughter. Now it's like we can't even talk can't even. It's like I'm imposing on him to "talk" to me, for the sake of it & that pisses me off. i lost a friend just like that. I lost someone whom i used to know so much & used to share so much with. I lost you. Things are never gonna be the same. Just cuz feelings. Fuck feelings. Knn.

It's easy to spend each day meaninglessly as it is and dont think about whatever that will upset and hurt you. But sometimes you just cant push those thoughts away and they flood your mind they flood your heart and flood your eyes. Sometimes i get weak, or I've always been weak. Im just always telling myself that this pain is alright. That this pain is fine. Just let it stay. Just let it be part of me. Of cuz i do wish it will not stay :( as in to revert itself into happiness. But i know that's so not possible. Goodnight :(

Listening to Ed Sheeran's Dive while trying to do work earlier on.. & then i ended closing my eyes & having all the feels over the lyrics :'( sometimes certain songs just speak to you. I took out my diary. The last entry was like on 30 Jan 2017. Ya. Like why do i have a physical diary & still keep a blog. Idk. The physical diary is of cuz for the close & explicit heart matters while the blog is like a summary or a relatively succint outpour of feels & thoughts. & also mostly i blog when im on the bed & feel compelled to put some things into (weak) words. 

Isn't this what you wanted. How do we fix back things that have been broken for so long, with no extra effort, with no effort even.. How do you expect me to be normal again like nothing was wrong. Why is it always what you want. What about me.

I'm trying hard to be like before but things are really just not the same anymore. I always feel the floodgate there like if anything, i will just spill again. It's just not the same anymore. I still don't know things and i hate that. I hate myself. It's not anyone's fault. Perhaps that's just life.

And work rly sucks. Like i fucking dread that superficial place. Pls give me a good job opportunity elsewhere. I need to set my life right somehow. :(

: 你比我清楚 还要我说明白

How do you put into words months of sadness. Does him asking means that he isn't aware of those damage done. So beyond broken. So so beyond broken. I just wish things were like before. I just 开不了口. Dont you uds. ;'( fucking fucking sad.

It's like: you cut open someone's heart then asking why that person never touches that scar.

Maybe someone can do the deed & kill me now. I can't. Just let me disintegrate.

:(

Fucking heartache. Why and how did this happen :( fuck lifeeeeeeeeee :'(

4:57am

I cant sleep. :(

I miss the old me. I miss the old you. I miss the old us. Fuck life. :'(

I don't mean to walk away or to give up. But there's no point anymore, is there any?
I hope it makes you feel better now that you dont have to remember to give me 'light dosages of medicine' every day. I hope I've relieved you from that. I hope you are better.

How much can a year change you :( just loads & loads of flashbacks. Wish things didnt have to come to this. What have i done actually to deserve such treatment from you. Just so sad so blardy sad. Nt gna be the same anymore. :'(

I really hate myself for being this way. I hate it. Cuz I'm doing onto people what idw ppl to do to me. But I can't. I can't. Idk how else to do this. Isn't this what you wished? If not you wouldnt have done all that to me. I just can't anymore. I can only disappear. Im so sick of this my heart is so dead but how else can i do this. I really dk. :((((( whats gone is gone whats broken is broken :'( life, why.

As much as i hate to accept it, life really just sucks. Nothing ever turns out the way you want it to be. Whatever happiness is always temporal, only valid in that moment. Happiness is such an ambiguous state of feeling. The person who makes you happy will not be forever. The things, the whatevers. How fickle humans can be. How heartless humans can be. Let me disappear from the surface of this earth. I dont care about living. Im just so disappointed in life. Cant you just prove me wrong already. But nope cuz humans are fucked up. :(:(:(:(:(:((::(:(:(:((::((:(:(:(:(:(

One of those moments that just slip, but you feel it from your heart to your fingertips yeah yeah.

Why do people want to break the hearts of the ones they claim they love? How can they bear to do it? Why cant they just mean what they say? Why do they have to be so cruel? How can they not be bothered when those people they claim to love simply wither and just die? Why. How. I just wish i can disappear and never have to feel these shitty feelings again. Things will never ever be the same. How do you even mend a heart, how do you even stop that constant aching. Idk. I wish i know but i cant fix it. I just want to die. :'(

& today, I died.

You kill me a little day by day. But it doesnt matter as long as it doesnt hurt you.

爱是不是 不开口才珍贵?

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

:'(((((((((((((((((((((((((

:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

"If i treated you the way you treat me, you'd have left."

Why does one treat another like that? How much longer can i put up with this? One day my heart will come to a complete death. As much as i do not wish for that. It's just so hard to have a heart thats always aching.

Such aches. Idk anymore.

"If you break someone's heart and they still talk to you with the same excitement and respect. Believe me they really love you."

When you feel fear, you feel hatred, you feel dread at a place which is supposed to be a safe haven - your "home". But here. it's just a resting place. I want to leave this place. I hate him. I have that urge to kill him. It's extreme. But i contain that hatred. I try to forget about it. I numb myself by voiding that thought off my mind. I tell myself that this is temporary. I tell myself that he will have a taste of his own medicine. I dont understand why we have to be victimised for him. Why can he have this kind of control over us. Just because he is capable of going crazy and make us suffer. It used to be physical and emotional pain. Now it's more of the latter. But i dont need to go through all of these. I want a place where i can spend my time alone peacefully. I was just reading a book. I was just taking a nap. Whats so difficult. Why must he take away that slice of peace. Why is he still existing. Why am i still existing. This world sucks. No matter how much people tell me it's otherwise. It's great because you arent suffering. Think of all the other people who are going through deeper shits than mine. did they choose it? No. But they're in it. Why? Cuz life sucks. It's unfair shit. I hate this world. But i know I'm already so much fortunate in many many aspects. Why is living so hard. I only need peace. I only want him to just get his nose off my life. Who is he. What respect does he think he deserves? He deserves nothing.

Just let me have a breathing space. That's all I'm asking.

I ain't even think of leaving sometimes
I ain't even think of letting go
I ain't ever thought of going nowhere
I don't even see it down the road
Cause we're collectin' moments
Tattoos on my mind
I ain't even think of leaving sometimes
I ain't even think of letting go
Not even sometimes

Such heart aches. What if it doesn't matter at all..?

:'(
< /3

Adele - When We Were Young (Live at The Church Studios)



Feelsssss

Good enough.

For the first time, I'm doubting myself when I type "blogger.com" into the web address bar.
That's how long I've been missing in here. I'm so sorry for neglecting this space. It used to provide me comfort and solace as I pour out all my thoughts. But it's really tiring these days to have to arrange them, so I chose to ignore and forget. So what brings me back I need today? I don't know.. just randomly. I felt that I need to be here.

Lots of stuff have taken place, you can be well-assured. For one, I've been talking about my dad a lot here. & so here's a quick update of him: he is now working, at a welding company @ Ang Mo Kio, 830am-6pm, Mon-Fri and alternate Saturdays. It really is happening lolol. He has taken a rather drastic change after his return from the hospital's mental ward (he sort of admitted himself in as he told the doc that he wanted to commit suicide and thus was put under observation). He has become more like a person, more normal (like us), and starting to let things go. Which is good. A win-win situation. He is working, his time is occupied, his mind is occupied, he doesn't hang around idly anymore. He is earning enough for his daily expenses, doesn't need to depend on my mom. My mom gets more liberated in a sense. & we get more peace too in the house too.

On and off time, I would get hit by the reality that people will leave me. I'm really dreading that day. I really do not want to face it. You know? It would be so devastating. :( Every time I watch a movie, I watch a show, newspaper, online articles, music, anything that portrays death in any ways, I will feel v strongly. It's just always at the back of my mind. Telling me to cherish my love ones, to spend more time with them. :( Life is sad. Don't understand why do we need to live when we have to die ultimately. It is just so sad. All these things we have to go through.. what is the purpose of it? Is that why people always go back to their religion, to find their purpose in life? :( Sobs.

And work. My work. I clearly know it is not what I'd enjoy in the long run. But for now, I'll continue with it and lead a 'normal' life - gain the relevant exp and then move on. It is not work that's complicated, it's the people you work with that make things complicated. All those 'hidden' rules, customs and whatever that we have to be cautious about. Pretty sure I'm the dumbest among them with relation to such issues, from the umpteen times I got 'taught' by my better colleagues. But still, colleagues are colleagues. They gossip like ENDLESSLY. Even buying a packet of 20 green tea sachets that cost $3+ would invite comments like, "fel v rich leh! buy so exp tea. mine is $2+ for 50-60 sachets leh!" -.- yes, let's take a moment to roll our eyes. & this comment came from 1 of my better colleagues.. you get what I mean? It's like those colleagues who are so-called your 'comfort zone', even they make such.. senseless comments that are just o m g? The workplace is really full of gossips. FULL OF THEM. Everything you do, things you say.. intentionally or in the saddest case, unintentionally (which more depressingly, always my kind of case), gets scrutinized and quite usually negatively interpreted. Even when it's just plain truth. Serious. I'm most of the time just stating facts, plainly, uncensored. That's why I get 'taught': "No fel, you don't have to say everything truthfully, just say that blablablabla can already. Like this how we blablablabla. Later they will think blablabla.". So for everything I say, I must think about: omg. what will be interpreted from this?? will it cause negative thinking about me? blablabla. -.- omg. just. Honestly, do you think that fel is such a person?? NO LA! I just say whatever is the fact. & honestly, do you think that fel cares what people think of her when she states facts? NO LAAAAAA. I tell you I go where I do what I what what what. what you want think you go and think la what you want tell others you go and tell lor! -.- siao sibo. I always need to go think about how you think. You think play game -.- siao. This is my amazing singlish HAHAHAA. but seriously, IDGAF!!! but this is the workplace, there's still this hidden rule to live by. & fel has brought back a precious lesson, that is: SIMPLY NOT TO SHARE TOO MUCH ABOUT YOURSELF WITH YOUR COLLEAGUES. & like, we had this appreciation party. They told me they got a shock, didn't know I'm someone so high one. -.- okay. can. you just don't know the real me thats all. really. why the surprise? As in, like it's a big deal. -.- there are many things I can say about my interactions with my colleagues. but omg. I don't want a replay in my head now. It's just irritating!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You should know how much I hate about not being able to be myself. I'm just someone this simple. Just let me be. -.- haiiiiii. BIG SIGH.

Okay I want to end here. Cuz I'm hungry I need to feed myself with the food that my mom dabao back. and then to scanning scores for ntu ppl. and to prepare to go work tmrw (not so excitedly). :(

#suchislife? #mustitbethisway?

Understanding is indeed a gift. Don't take for granted when people can understand your predicaments.
Some people are so fixed on their own ideologies that they think people who defy their ways are just finding excuses for themselves. They don't give you a chance to explain, even when they do, they don't accept the explanations. I'm not even sure if they do try to see things from your perspective. That's why it is so hard to find someone who understands, who gives you the time to go through your problems with you, to not pressure you and offer you help, in anyway possible for them. Those are treasures.

Sometimes I don't like to tell some people about the issues I have with my dad because they don't understand. I can't effectively put them into words as well. Besides failing to understand, some like to think that their issues with their dads are comparable to mine, which sad to say, are definitely not. They blow up their matters, making my issues seem minor. But seriously their issues are so frivolous that I don't know why they even bring them up. Maybe there couldn't even be a comparison. But if there is an ascending scale to measure the seriousness, I'm sure their matters will be ranked at the bottom. Sometimes I forgot and I told these people in a spur of frustration, like I just wanted to get things out. Then I regret, because they don't understand. Also because they don't give me the replies I want. I know I sound like I'm sick or something. I don't even know what I want when I tell these people. Why do I even tell them. Just like when people tell me about their issues, I'm not even interested. Because I've my own to deal with. So I've come to a conclusion. That is not to say anything more. Cause after I told them, they replied me with their (stupid) issues, which are nothing close to what I'm going through, I get pissed off. Cause I feel like they are trying to tell me they are going through what I'm going through. And I'm now telling you that you're not. And I know you can't read this. So it defeats the whole purpose. But I need to get it out. so I'm here typing away. Everyone has their own issues. I just don't like how some people reply me like their issues are greater a problem than mine. Maybe it's in their tone. They don't find it silly? Well I suppose so.

Freaking many things to blog about but I really don't feel like going through the thinking cycle again. It's so exhausting.
In summary, the ceiling leakage is causing much distress to us because my dad cannot handle the situation mentally and emotionally. Cause of this stupid issue, he's turning into some crazy bitch. Worrisome, attention-seeking and pathetic as always. And this issue also surfaces many problems people have with him. That being a daughter, I'm so fucking numb. Every day I think about how I will be if he dies. I harbor this evil thought like can he just disappear/die from my life or something. He doesn't have to die. That's irreversible and too wicked. but can he just get lost from my life? That fear, disdain, disgust still exist. I dread his phone calls. Like just get a life. He doesn't. He's so bloody weak. Being a man, he's such a failure. I don't know how many times my grandma has cried over this useless son. His brothers don't even want to see him either. And I will never get why my mom just doesn't divorce him, still entertains his nonsense. I'm becoming so cold. It's like we went to visit him the 2nd time he admits into the hospital. He looks so dying. It's like. I won't be surprised he dies that night or something. I didn't even want to look at him. Why is he so fail? I really don't know how to show him concern because all that bad feelings are there. I don't even like him as a person, how do I like him as my dad, not to even say love? I didn't even want to talk to him. All the talking is getting on my nerves. They don't get to him. He is just wasting our breaths. On the cab back home, I did tear/cry whatever that was. So I knew if he died, I would cry. Like I'd just take his death as a regret like. not my regret, but his. He didn't know how to cherish his life, and cherish others. All he do is talk. Since like forever. Like until now he still doesn't know why everyone 'hates' him, shuns him. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. All these drama he's been putting up. All these drama we have to put up with. Can it all end already. I'm so sick and tired of the state of my life right now. I know the main issue is with the owner upstairs who doesn't give a shit about ceiling water leakage (caused by their waterproofing wear and tear so leaks to my house), but if my dad can handle it the way a normal person do, we wouldn't be so fucked up.

Ya ya just so tired of this. My god.

Why that "Conversations With Other Women" is labelled as a comedy, but I didn't it funny at all?
It's such a sad movie. :'( Why can't they be back together?

I hate people for discussing my issues with another person when 1. it's totally fine to ask me directly, 2. the person has 0 idea about my thinking. Why do you keep assuming I'll lose the commitment? Unless that's what you wish to see. -.-

The worse kind of feeling in this world probably happens when you don't know whether you love or hate someone.
At the peak of anger, everyone can be hateful. Harsh words. Regrettable actions. Irreversible.
I know I don't hate my dad. Just sometimes, sometimes, when the wave of emotions got overwhelming.

Still feeling sad over the LINE account :( rarrrrrrrrrr.

Read something and it felt like it was written for me -.-
Anw. I felt like I cheated the kids cuz my phone spoilt and my LINE account is 'deleted'.
:((((((((((((((
they can never find me again :(
so sad.

HAPPY ABOUT IT ALTHOUGH MY OVERALL GPA SUCKS LOLLLLLLL
BUT STILL A GOOD LAST SEM!
YAYYYYY!!!

Seeing the way my parents speak to each other has never made me more certain that I'm definitely not going through this kind of life in the future. In their marriage and in my memory, I've never ever seen them shared 1 day of happiness. My dad is so caught up in his ideology. I seriously don't know why he thinks what he's thinking is logical and even reasonable. As the years passed, I find his thoughts on contributing to this family more and more perplexing. It's all about escaping reality yet still wants to remain in control, by restricting what we do and all, attacking us verbally and physically (used to be). That fear is always there. Why don't my mum just divorce him back then? Or even now? If it's me, I don't think my heart will even cringe one bit. This is definitely not love or whatever they call it. What is marriage? It is indeed a graveyard. #thoughts

"When a writer falls in love with you, you become immortal.

Some solitude for the day.

It has been long since I felt so tired fixing a problem, especially so when the problem isn't mine.
It's so difficult to be a messenger (on my own accord) when words that I've tried to pass on felt like they've been heavily scrutinized, both by the receiver and my conscience. I don't want to make things worse, by creating more misunderstandings which will snowball into some kinda massive mess in someone's world. I don't want to be the culprit, not when I actually carry a good intention.
So I got out of it yesterday. I still think honesty is the best policy. It's best to know how others think or feel about you, so that there's a chance for you to change - for them or just for the better of yourself.

That over-thinking thing seems so yesterday, something that I often engaged in in the past. It totally brings nothing good and is so exhausting. I'm happy I've grown out of that, mainly because I've learnt to drift/stay away from some people who are not 'meant' for me. Superficiality shall be reserved for those people who think they've the luxury of time (youth, for now) to waste. Right now, I just want to live inside my own peaceful bubble for awhile cuz bubbles pop at the end of the day.

Woke up at a rather late timing today, 2:15pm?
Had a bowl of maggie mee for casual lunch, read a magazine and napped under this cold and rainy weather.
Me-time (pig-time) well spent :D
Gonna start on a book that I've purchased during the exam period lollll.
Lazy Monday.

I just can't wait to go back to euphonium and band playing after this week.
I need the music therapy :(

Sometimes I do wonder why can't I even write how I truly feel in this supposedly secret place cuz now I almost often choose to just save my post as draft and not publish.

Feelings are getting more and more private, and unnecessary. Bad.

"有人告诉我, 当看到指甲长多长, 就是头发长多长。现在每次看指甲时, 没想到头发, 却想到那个人。"

Jalan-Jalan Recording is outtttttttttttttt :D
Listening to these recordings makes me want to dedicate my whole life to euphonium-playing (although I'm not a professional and nowhere close to whatever pro euph players out there :( so many things to improve on. rarr.)
tdy someone asked someone a question: "Why do you play in so many bands?".
....... everyone has different views on playing in community/outside bands. some ppl can be super committed to 1. but some prefer trying out in different bands cuz every band is unique; diff players. diff environment, diff exposure, diff this and that. so how to compare leh...
then it boils down to that final qns.. if you can only choose to stay w 1 band, which will it be?
Wah..
I'm just glad that I was given that chance. Yea.

Don't think I've ever listened so attentively to the Eupho part for Alvamar Overture. lollolllll
Need to find a way to maintain a gentle tone :(
My lips need to heal fast too. so dry leh. keep peeling skin. Spams burt's bee lip balm all day/night long also like useless. -.- tian ah

Sometimes my dad behaves like some 'ghost'.
In a span of 2mins he off all the power of the house. No wi-fi, no lights, no fans ++
-.-
Why.

Music of the present.
Beautiful piano melody, melancholic lyrics and a really depressing singing voice.
hmmmm

/edit
Another of ww's concert down.
Many things felt different this time round; for the 1st time I actually felt 'involved' (?).
I tried to overcome a stupid emotional obstacle of mine by taking up a solo.
But I failed; I still can't.
Ha ha ha ha ha. I'll shiver so much -.- omg. why?
#sighs
This doesn't happen to me when I'm playing in other bands.
I just feel extremely pressurized in the ww setting :(
Asked yuki if he's okay to play the solo! & you have no idea how relieved I felt when the solo is 'gone'. hahahahahahahaa. & the feeling when 'your' solo was so well-played by someone else. So much to learn, me. He's only 20. I'm like....2*. T-T
But I still had a small solo of 7 notes hahahhahahaa w no shivering note/s -_-
I'll consider this as an achievement unlocked for le noob fel here. *clapclap*
Inferiority complex x infinity.

Spent 4 hours into the late night to do up the gifts for the euph jap people. sleeping at 530am when there's concert the next day HAHAHA totally mad.
Still, I think my end products looks good :) hahaha
received good 'praises' from le section mates hahahahahaa
Thanks them for helping me squeeze the scrapbook paper and the decos into the tumblers!
It's fun to prepare gifts, tho it'll be more enjoyable if there's the grace of time. but it didn't matter! sometimes great works still happen under the pressure of time. Either way, good things come when you put in your heart and effort (?). yea yea.

The concert was quite magical.. esp singaporiana :/
I actually teared at the ending of the last movement when Mr Ito bowed his head down, while the silence ringing after the last note was still so intense. Didn't know how that exactly came about but it just felt so sad..? :/
probably cuz of the oboe's solo which had a few casualty notes when we all know that the solo could have been perfect.
But anw, what's perfect?
Blemish-free?
Nah not necessarily.
It was great. It was emotional. It was breath-taking. That's enough.
& I rly need to comment about the jap oboe/cor anglais player. It's like the 1st time he played the solos w us, they were all so-so. But the solos got better and better in the subsequent rehearsals. More and more musical. More and more emotional. Then during the actual performance, he was just unbelievable. His solos were sooo nice, the hairs on my arms stood. His solos for the 2nd and 3rd movements of singaporiana were like. o m g. Transcending. My~ So nice.
I rly can't wait for the recordingsssss. I want to play repeat for like forever.

Had a really really fun time losing a bit of myself during this period. It's a bit like tearing down a little of that wall you built around yourself and be friendlyyyyyyyyy. To be that silly and crazy fel I was back in the sec/jc days. Added so many ppl on fb, it was frenzyyy LOL. Had a lot of awkward moments too, but well. They, too, shall pass. ha ha ha aha ha haaaaa.

Being too careful these days. Sometimes we need a little winding down.

That's it! Time to return to reality.
Assignment and projects.
O goshhhhh :(

Particularly dislike it when people talk in a manner which requires me to probe into the subject matter/issue unnecessarily. The thing is. If you do not ask, you'll (kind of) never know what's the reason behind.

For eg, "Wah I cannot stand this thing leh" (literally an invisible *full stop*, cue-ing for my "why?")
or, *out of the blue* "hahahahahahaha wah I cannot stop laughing HAHAHAHA *stops*" (again, I have to ask "what happened?/why?")
or, just about anything. Could be something happened, the person is happy about it, and just keeps spamming the smiley face, seemingly waiting for you to ask: "Why so happy?" (which I find it a very annoying chore now).

I just find this way of communication tiring after a period of time. Why can't the person just type/narrate the whole scenario in full so that I can provide a more valuable and/or meaningful input?

I'm facing a huge crisis here where I seriously do not know how to adequately describe this talking/chatting manner. -.- It just makes me feel reluctant to 'entertain' the person. :/

Sigh.
I know this sounds like a childish minor issue, but I'm just so annoyed by it. -_____-"

These days I can't seem to care much about unnecessary stuffs.
Just want to chill in a corner and forget about this world for awhile.

Sometimes while listening to things others have to say, I need to know that most of them are not quite objective. In the end, I would still listen to my heart.

"我要讓這個地球上除了我 再也沒有人能知道 你是誰 你又是我的誰" - 黃義達

"Things do not wait for you forever.
If you don't want it now, it's going to be given away to someone else.
If you don't go for it now, others are going to go after it."

"If it's meant to be, it'll be yours.
It'll come naturally."

Okay.
Fatalism VS In-determinism.
All over again.
#random
#anycircumstancecando

Srsly cannot stand myself committing mistakes at work. I'm totally not helping; creating unnecessary problems for my boss to clear :(
Sigh. Why am I so careless? Aircon delivered back, invoice wrote 4 fancoils, only 1 came; but I signed the delivery invoice like acknowledged I received them o.o" wtf right. I know. o.o"
but nvm. thr's the surveillance camera, in the worst case, we can get evidence there lol :x opps.
Sigh...
but still.
If this is actually my full time job, I think my boss sure cannot tahan me o.o" rarrrr.

Ugh sian sian sian. Natural vibrato naturally there when I play solo in ww. HAHAHAHA. chui chui chui.
dont know whats wrong.
the barrier IS ALWAYS THERE.
hehehehehe
jialat.

The euph soloist has such a unique embrochure!!
Gah.
Need to practise need to practise need to practise.
I want a dark toneeeeeeee.
I want a new mouthpiece.
ugh.
mid June hurry come! I want my pay hahahahaha

Can you believe it? My current youtube fav vid is sasmb's syf 2013 persis HAHAHAHAA.
they rly zai. the horns.
omg hands down.

1st day @ new work place today!
It's a fujitsu air-con um... sole agent company? like do sales and coordinate installation ++
So I'm under this salesman/assistant sales manager of some sort heh. can't rmb his exact designation.
anw, thr should be a lady who should give me 'trng' before she goes off for maternity leave. but then she was experiencing labor pain last night, so was at the hospital and didn't come for work tdy la duh. guess she'd be delivering her child these few days!
Anw, 1 thing is my boss smokes. hohoho.
-.-
had lunch with my boss + the other colleagues. no girls T-T omg kill me.
Although I'm the only girl, I'm the tallest HAHAHAHAHAHA :D
the other females neh jio me eat! what's this!!! urgh!! ;_;

but still, feeling kind of bombarded tdy. with all the new things. the thing w 1st day is that. you get LOTS of info. but you only get to process them when actual cases come in. hands-on is rly impt.
so my boss kinda like briefed me on the workflow. I must say he's rly v patient. can feel that he's not trying to bombard you or what. and he'll like once in awhile ask me if I'm coping well, will check on me. but anw tdy also nvr rly did anything much. just trying to familiar myself with the codes and pricing and the workflowwww. just that there are srsly too many kinds of air cons and their code numbers... o.o
sth like, AOAG24LTA3 blablabla like this. then got different prices for different dealers ++ so need to check the file ++
so there's the sales order, retail booklet, job order, invoice, emails ++ and many phone calls in btwn to confirm this and that. urgh. call dealer, call installer, call customer. thanks everyone thanks.
pls if you don't alrdy know. I RLY HATE CALLING STRANGERS... IT IS SOOOOO AWKWARD :(
esp when the office is freak quiet and you know everyone else is listening to what you're saying T-T

my boss went off 1.5hrs aft lunch to do his sales stuff. and then Im left on my own. HAHA.
nah not exactly.
there's this senior admin manager? name Majorie. who's super nice, gentle and patient as well!!! she's v encouraging also hehe. v v v motherly :) she rly explains in detail, and is so clear. and her english is nice :D the accent isnt those irritating fake 1 angmoh accent nor those normal singlish accented 'english' :/ (okay whatever). it just sounds pleasant yupp. :)

lalala and ended work tdy with 2 wet wipes. the keyboard is damn dirty.. omg. grey grey one. and the table and things also cannot stand. I'm washing my hands so regularly there. -.- the papers also.. the book also.. yellowish yellowish one T-T omg la.....
my wet wipes turned grey of cuz. :S yuck.

ya so that's it!
cant wait for the weekends whr my euph baby will be back into my arms
HAHAHAHAHAHAA ji rou ma -.-
rarr
if only thr's a band world.
literally a band world.
:(

I'm too young for my own good. HAHAHA.
Too at ease among young people till like I forget I'm actually 3 years older than them ;_; sobs..
cuz they're just like my 'sister'(s) HAHA who's their age. and I have 1 17 year old sis. maybe that's why I feel comfortable mingling around young peeps! LOL srsly don't know if it's a good or bad thing.
but then, at the very least, I'm at ease. No pretense and stuff :)
Quite like that bunch of np band peeps! Gl people are all quite nice lollol -.-
hahahahaa.
gna start work on thurs! woohoo. well. time to save up again! rarr

"People who don’t care will not text you back. If you make no effort to see them or talk to them, you know, deep down, they won’t try. They will forget you if you stop trying. Because if a person doesn’t care about you, they rarely think about you. They don’t care about your opinions. Because if you care about someone, they exist in your mind. You think about them, you wonder about them, perhaps not all the time, but they are there."
- thoughtcatalog


totally dont agree with this para.
You can think this way. I can think this way.
That's why this friendship wont work out.
And not cuz 1 side is not caring or what.
It's just not meant to be lor. hahaha.
you can exist in my mind. 
I think abt you, I wonder abt you.
but nah.
Im not gg to talk to you. cuz well. things change. HAHA. 
but no. I dont forget people. 
yupp.

When I see girls being very sweet w their dads and being a true 'daddy's girl' makes me cringe on the inside. cuz I can never imagine myself having that kind of adoration for my dad. Nothing for me to look upon to. :/
how sial.
like a useless. I pity his mundane-to-a-maximum life. srsly.

Cuz it doesn't rly matter.

People grow and learn.
and get better.

Fav band instrument is still the french horn.
That sound. Damn niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
very versatileeeeeee rarr like like like!!!
esp the harmonics. and when they play tgt as an ensem.
zai zai zai.
ok bye :D

The thing is.
I judge people.
Then I ask myself who am I to judge others. Why am I always judging when Im not even perfect.

But hor, I still judge.
LOL.

#forevercannotchange #inme #notgood #sighs

Everyone has their list of priorities. We understand ah.
I just hate it when people say certain things and I can find like 1000000 loopholes in them cuz they're excuses. Very weak ones even.
You might better off be direct. I'm damn okay abt it.

-_-

The thing wq said keeps repeating.
something like going for band is an enjoyment thing for him now. he's not like before whr thr's 'comparison'.
true true true true trueeee.
cant wait for ww next week then Ill bring home the euph and practice mute and off to develop a felicia euph tone. muahahahaha :)

Do you get that sensation like. when you're listening to a song then at some point where the tune gets super nice or sth. you feel like your ears are crying or sth. lollol.

Nobody said anything. Just some things mutual - silence, pretense, withdrawal.

Nobody needed to say anything. Things just ended up that way. It ended just how it was supposed to end.
Cut-off. Complete. Almost.
With time, awful feelings fade away. Just back to the beginning. Somehow.
Where our paths never crossed.

"Thanks for pretending not to see me. I was also pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have."

/edit
Thanks for pretending not to see me. I was also pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward presence acknowledgement that neither of us wanted to have.

The invisibility cloak is kind of working its effect. Somehow.

//Hols are nearing. I need to read up this time! Lots of books waiting :)

"Hopelessly
I'm taking a mental picture of you now.
'Cuz hopelessly
The hope is we have so much to feel good about."

Praying very hard that I can pass tdy's ethics paper. :(((((((

Watched this vid & my troubles seem so insignificant again
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=488264994572579

Freak touching :'((

oh ya and tdy an invigilator saw that my table is shaky, she came up to me with a small square piece of cardboard and asked if she can help me stable the table. omg. so nice of her. I was a bit stunned. and kinda just whispered thank you and forced a little smile. hahaha. cuz, pls, I flipped open the exam paper. 1st qns, Virtue ethics, I say happy birthday to myself. fml.

"In a sea of people, I find only you; I see only you."

poetic. lol.

Fav band pieces of all timeeee
- Highlights from Chess
- Armenian Dances I
- A Movement for Rosa
- Carmen Fantasy
- Fantasy Variations

"We learn something from every concert."
Yea this time I learnt that in a community band, people come from every where to play so there's no need to be too irritated by certain things. Just happy happy go play. happy happy go home. lollol. but I personally feel that it's always good to be responsible for your own part. So that you don't pull others down?

We managed to pull off the concert, which I found quite unbelievable ahahaha. We didn't breakdown!! hoho. and sounded better than rehearsal o.o LOL not bad. Such is the concert magic??? Hehhhh.
Made a new euph friend too! :) It's nice to meet same section people who don't clash with you hahahaha. musical-wise and attitude-in-playing-music-wise.

/Musical sensitivity. Much to learn~

Days in the past were good.
Where your 'future' seems so far away and you don't see/feel the impact/consequence of your negligence in... studies. LOL.
and whr everything just seems so distant. Aging seemed distant. Dying seemed distant. People leaving seemed distant. Reality, as a whole, was distant.
but now.
the dread is so real. :( the future is soon to become my present. and you know just any damn thing can happen any instance. I don't want to know all those things are going to happen :( it's devastating.
but it's denial. On 2011 aug 17, my 2nd uncle died due to pancreatic cancer. but it's only when I stood in front of his casket with his pic in a frame that I suddenly realized it's all so real. so so real.

Why, life? & what can I do with you now. :(

So how do I deal w this? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm saying till it's like super serious hor.
but actually it's not -.-
my life is too uneventful till such things become the highlights. -.-
nah. it's just a failed essay.
so?
but I don't dare to open the appeal email HAHAHAHAHAA
fml hehe.

The best forms of escape now are to (1) study like mad; (2) read up on more unfortunate events that happened to others.
It's probably the best kind of consolation.
To zoom out from your personal encounter/problem and see that life's not that bad after all.
Or to see it in another perspective, it's like to lessen the impact/severity of your problems from someone's relatively worse misery. o.o
Well well. it's the world of comparison isn't it. I've many things to be thankful for. Rarr.
Supposedly meeting dear yy for her bday celebration. but I called it off aft receiving my results. I guess I better revise more. Will be seeing the pigs and yy tmrw for a celebration! Sighssss

Nightmare.
Something is so wrong this semester.
Im dead.

It's a kind of an indescribable heart ache?
Like I've deliberately tried to cast it aside but I just feel sad.
Well, I guess anyone in my shoes will feel the same.
Haha joke on me.
Shyt just got serious.
:(

I'M REALLY TOTALLY DEVASTATED BY THE CONDITION OF MY FACE.
WHAT SHOULD I DOOOOO?
:(

I totally hate it when I bought sth yummy intending to share it w my sister and then she just had to spoil my mood.
bought red velvet from 12 cupcakes cuz she likes it.
called her at 7:20pm ask her whr is she. told her to hurry go home so that we can have the cupcake aft dinner. she says she dont want come home so early. 8+pm then come home. since she's at houg1 and it's so near our hse. ok. I wait.
she came home at 10pm.
fuck.
red velvet throw away swah.
cb.

OUR 2009 SYF CHOICE PIECE DANZA SINFONICAAAA
http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=7605552&q=hi&newref=1

SET PIECE OVERTURE NO. 2
http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=7600126&q=hi&newref=1

it says (live rehearsal @ TRCC) cuz our teacher in charge says cant let others know we uploaded the real one. -.- in actual fact, those are the actual syf recordings :)

WE WERE AWESOME!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA :))))

listeningtoamkss'spartacusgavemegoosebumps.
woooo

"Who creates wealth? That wealth is only created when it's owned privately. What would you call clean water, fresh air, safe environment? Are they not a form of wealth? And why does it only become wealth when some entity puts a fence around it and declares it private property? Well you know, that's not wealth creation, that's wealth usurpation."

Watching the documentary on The Corporation. and omg. What kind of era are we living in :(
constantly conditioned in every area of our lives. our lives are just like movies where products' placements are ubiquitous. profit-making machines..

【你感性吗？】

1.当你发现情人爱上自己最好的朋友，你会和情人分手并且和好朋友断交吗？
YES→第２题
NO→第３题

2.在友谊之中，你无法忍受朋友欺骗你胜过不理你？
YES→第４题
NO→第８题

3.以一般男人的观点，你觉得“波霸”会比“太平公主”吃香，容易受到男人的欢迎？
YES→第４题
NO→第５题

4.如果你爱上一个不该爱的人，你会冒着众叛亲离的下场，为爱走天涯？
YES→第７题
NO→第10题

5.你曾经以貌取人过吗？
YES→第７题
NO→第６题

6.当你有一千元可以花费的时候，你会选择做哪一件事？
逛街血拼→第９题
吃遍美食→第13题

7.你喜欢住的房子是？
大坪数的公寓→第８题
有庭院的小房子→第13题

8.当你和死党同时喜欢上一个异性，而且死党还不知道你也喜欢对方，你会怎么处理？
公平竞争→第12题
自动放弃→第14题

9.当你看到什么画面，会觉得很感动？
YES→第15题
NO→D型

10.情人跟你说哪一句话，会让你感动得愿意为对方做任何事？
你是我的最爱，我永远都不会变心！→第11
我愿意为你而死！→第８题

11.你喜欢哪一种天气？
晴天→A型
雨天→B型
　
12.你喜欢哪一种动物？
猫头鹰→A型
黄金鼠→第11题

13.当你迷路了，眼前有一位老绅士和一位老婆婆，你会向哪一位问路？
老婆婆→第15题
老绅士→第14题

14.你喜欢去哪一种类型的国家旅行？
现代文明→B型
历史古迹→C型

15.你觉得自己是一个童心未泯的人吗？
YES→C型
NO→D型










测验分析 :

★
A型-感性指数0%铁面无私包青天！ 

在你的心中有一把理性的尺，不管遇到什么人、什么事，你都会用这把尺来衡量，即使是你的家人、情人或好友，也逃不过这种严格的检视。 

你喜欢公平、公正、公开，无论是好事或坏事都不会隐藏，对于中国人讲求的 “情、理、法”，你很不以为然，因为你是“法、理、情”的拥护者。 

你的理性让你在人群之中具有权威性，可以得到大家的肯定和信任，不过似乎也容易让人有喘不过气来的感觉。 


B型-感性指数40%理性与感性的混合体！ 

你的人缘很好，对于理性和感性的情感掌控得宜，每一个和你相处的人，都会觉得如沐春风，感觉非常舒服。 

你在不同的场合、与不同的人相处，就能因地制宜地表现出得体的应对方式，不至于理性得令人觉得不通人情，也不会感性得让人觉得有原则。 

你会在条理分明的观念之中，带着一点对人的关怀和热情，很适合从事公关或服务性的工作。 


C型-感性指数80%刀子口豆腐心的闷烧锅！ 

和你初次见面或是不够熟识的人，会觉得你说话直接、个性直率。虽然你的外表像个嗓门特别大的大老粗，或是神经特别大条。 

但是了解你的人都知道，其实你是一个看电视连续剧时会偷偷掉眼泪，只是外表装得一副很坚强，却有一副难得的好心肠，喜欢默默帮助人家，“大恩不言谢”的相处方式，会让你觉得比较自然。在感情方面，也是一个有爱不敢说的闷骚包。 
　 

D型-感性指数100%柔情似水的超级滥好人！ 

你是一个感性得不得了的人，喜欢沈浸在自己的想像世界里，非常具有博爱的精神，男女老幼对你来说是都没有分别，你的爱可以同时与很多人分享，而且界线模糊。 

所以在情感方面，常常因为你不自觉的释放热情而使局面变得难以收拾。你的感性总是让异性难忘、让同性嫉妒。要切记适度的感性可以增加自己的魅力，可是如果感性过了头，可能就容易招来麻烦唷




omg I got C. 
accurate dao~~~~~

Going to diff bands make me realise how I should appreciate ww. it's not easy to find ppl whom you can blend well with. so happy that thr are bh and adel! who can hit all the high notes :D and who can play all the solos :D not that fj not good. he's good! but then the other woman... rarr.

alone at ww tdy woohoo.
"don't be afraid" o.o learning to. learning to. hahaha. but still I quite like my tone tdyyyyy :)))))))
wheehehehee.

Went to help at my mom's this mrng. cuz jess is currently at hk stuffing herself w dimsum and milk tea. urgh.
gah. Not a very pleasant day tdy. things just felt, weird o.o
rarr. went wai po's hse to bathe and prepare to go AI.
tired max.
:(
traveled a super long dist to bedok from boon lay. whole stretch of green line lol-.- lucky I could get to boon lay quite fast from my wai po's hse. like 10 stops like that.
gosh. managed to reach AI punctually :) boarded the bus at like 530pm. and reached AI at like.. 7pm.
tdy fj didnt come :(
then the woman came.
gah
her tone is srsly......... like sec 1-2.
wts la.... the entrance of her notes all very 'bubbly' leh!! like 'farts'!!!
buay tahan rly. :(((((
esp when we play quavers or semiquavers. no accuracy :(
sai.
made me v pekchek
everything was fine.
until the last piece.
die meistersinger??
figure 15 onwards -.-
fuck la.
last few pracs she also neh play the bassoon cue notes! why tdy she play!?!
then I played like 1st bar I stopped.
wts. dno what she playing la.
irritating.
I think I rolled my eyes like 8374283 times.
then at the actual euph part we totally clashed.
cuz her tone is too zai liao I tell you.
fart fart fart fart fart fartttt fart fart fart fart fartttt
all mispitch oneeeeee T-T
Im not saying like Im damn invincible wah like zai or what.
but then not like sooo bad right. until like cant even play properly. wtssssss.
goshhhh.
I miss fj T-T
sobs
so figure 15 aft 1st bar I also neh play liao. SO FRIGGIN MESSY PLAY FOR WHAT!
then conductor say. oh we kinda lost the euph there. no la you didnt lose us what. that woman is still playing. -.- I mean, if you cannot play. then go practise. or play softlyyyyy. or dont play!!!!
dont destroy the passage can not. o.o"""

rarr whatever la.
end of rant.
:(
ww tmrw. wheeeee. :)

Went ensem recording at SP tdy
omg. sp is srsly too big. the studio is like, not inside the school one! okay la, still the school but another building FAR FAR AWAY UP THE HILL OF A FARAWAY LAND. gosh. T20.
And the weather is out to kill srsly. havent stopped perspiring once I stepped outta the hse!!!
carrying the euph and skipping all ard. -.- climbed up and down -.- OMG.
but anw. the experience was a cool one!!
it's like we need to memo the piece. a short one! but then I kept forgetting la :(((
then like forget then to record again LOL shyt die me.
damn paisehhhhh
dont know sometimes just blank out!!!!!!!!! -____-"""
urghhh paiseh max.
I think the 1st trumpeter damn jialat. cuz his notes quite high sial. then need to keep replay... :/
but the tone quality in the recording studio sounds a bit weird. I wonder is it cuz of me, or cuz too cramp the studio. is like the audio person say the euph sound can be picked up by all the mikes o.o but I played at the same volume leh. (I think..) hahaha. hmmmmm
awkward too. cuz besides the audio recording, we also did a video one o.o then had to maintain a poker face through out o.o too serious the atmosphere. I cmi HAHAA.
so ya my pig face was captured. and my pig body. LOL. and the euph with a rubber-banded 2nd slide HAHAHAA. sai la. the 2nd valve kept getting stuck. good that it didnt try to be funny in the end. phewww
anw gosh. tdy rly sweat like a pig. OMG. OMG. o.o
sigh.
my arms aching again. my shoulder too.
like ytd went swimming w jlow. then just start only, right foot cramp. then cramp hao liao swim some more, my left calf cramp. fffffff. then the left foot took so long to 'mobilize' again -.- wlao. couldnt even put my foot flat on the ground cuz the string like kena tied!!
then tdy carried euph to record. my left arm srsly damn suannnnnnnnnn.
goshhhhhh always one leh. :((
sigh.
I feel like eating mango or strawberry leh. or eat the yami yogurt omg. superrrr feel like.
but dont think I'll be able to eat it until like monday?
tmrw and sunday gna be so packed.
gosh.
and omg.
left how many days to exams...!!!
URGH.

"Never underestimate the gift of understanding."

yupp. I must learn to be grateful.

Woke up this morning not by the alarm but by a sudden realization of something. I guess I've been thinking too much lately hahaha.. but I'm sure, it's down to the last 3 times. and tada move on w lifeeeee.

2nd sissy had to check-in at 4am last night. thus I didnt get much sleep -.- so happy I managed to finish the stupid assignment by noon and could go for ep lecture hahaha. gosh. my procrastination is so (y)!

anw some people have been acting all weird :/ but again, not directly affecting my life so I should just forget abt it hahaa.

gna be euph-ing this coming fri-sun :)
hehe
that'll take off all the mixed feelings, hopefully?

I'm actually super sleepy now. dont know why I just dont feel like gg to bathe and sleep.
gah what else? lazy la.
ok bye. hahahahahah

To be honest. I dont know what do I do in school. o.o"
Tian ah. Im supposed to like take down notes on the presentations other grps did. instead I typed rubbish on my word doc. now I've no info to do my essay. FML.
I dont know why Im so passive towards studying GOSH.
skipped so many lectures this sem. neh print notes also. how to study.
omg.
now I so regret what I did.
HAHA WHY DONT I SOUND LIKE MYSELF HERE.
WELL IM NOT SURPRISED.
IM NOT VERY SANE LATELY.
I NEED TO GET THIS PIECE OF WORK DONE.
JUST DONE AND SO BE IT. MUG HARD FOR EXAMS THAT IS.
IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

well Im missing my sisters.
-.-
used to having them at home.
now they're out. 1 in sch. 1 settling stuff
I miss them!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE NO ONE TO WHINE TO.
I DONT CARE IF THEY FUCKING FIND MY WHINES IRRITATING. I JUST WANT TO WHINE.
NOW THAT THEY'RE NOT HERE.
I HAVE LIKE BLOGGED TWICE TODAY. HAHAHAHA.
WHY IS MY LIFE SO PATHETIC I WANT TO CRY.
FUCK.
BYE.

Sometimes I've got the urge to create a new twitter acc whr I don't have any followers LOL
then I can rant allllll I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (IMAGINE FIRE COMING OUT FROM THIS)

but then. what for? I can come here. HAHAHAHAHA.
how is one supposed to survive without a blog!?!?!?!
whr do all those inner thoughts go???
useless and unhelpful inner thoughts.
but highly necessary to let out. cuz the process of ranting is like lubrication to the mental wires.
rarr. what I talking. -.-
meh
meh
chi
cao
f
m
l

anw, on a side note.
I do have a weird interest in... trimming eyebrows, facial stuff and dye-ing hair??
it's like I help my sis to bubble dye her hair. and I always do it so evenly HAHA
and I help her to trim eyebrows and the shape is like nice!!
and omg. I think I've talent AHAHAHHAA.
I rmb my pri sch teacher ms tricia lim. she told us to do a card- to draw myself in my occupational attire on the cover. and then to describe my ambition inside.
I drew myself as an artist. with the artist hat and paintbrush -,-
but inside I wrote I wanna be a PIANO TEACHER HAHAHAHAHAH.
gosh then in my very pri sch english. I wrote. I want to be a piano teacher because I love music. and then off I drew many musical notes. -.- but I nvr get to learn piano. and impaired by my laziness, I nvr get motivated enough to self-learn. so blame no one, only blame myself. thanks
well then. my teacher left a comment. saying I thought you wanted to be a hairdresser. cuz I always help my classmates to tie their hair, wear hair bands and clips. HAHAHA. I rmb this classmate hazel. she'll always ask me to help her tidy her hair when her hairband slides down her hair. hahaha. and I tie plaits and all~ omg. I do have this talent right. yes yes. I think I have. okay the end. rarr.

sigh.
what do I do???? :((((

You can tell someone is in the best of mood when there's spring in their foot steps and their whole aura just exude the happy vibes.

That's my sis tdy. Cuz she's gg HK tmrw. I can totally feel her excitement (I just type exciteNESS wtf). Too bad I cant get infected with her vibes cuz I'm grounded with my last piece of indiv assignment. If not I can go last min shopping w her and go trim my eyebrows toooooo o.o fml.

and I just cant focus!! :( upsets. Dont know what to write. Hope it won't be a lousy piece of work. :( boohoo.

I also want to go overseas lehhhh. Dad asked me why I neh go overseas. HAHA. gosh that means approval right!? I love it when my sis does some things before me. Such that I dont have to experience the frustrations of begging for approval. Perhaps I've too much pride. which wins me NOTHING though.

but still. life is boring. it really is. it is so boring. gosh.

"My whole heart is bursting into flowers!!!!" HAHAHAHA I think I must be crazy. 1 last indiv essay to complete. my oh my fel, plssssss CONCENTRATE T-T

hahahhaa super love my convos with jlowwwwwwww. mainly cuz we are always fangirl-ing LOLLLL rarrrrrrr :D

I TOTALLY UN-QUESTION MY STALKING SKILLS HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA GOSHHHH!!!! *BEAMS* :DDDDDD HEHEHEHEHEHE

Armenian Dance Part I / Bassoon Brass Project Vol.3

http://youtu.be/JnjmGmpOqEo AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! EXPRESSIVE MUCHHHH woohoowwwooowhehehee~~~

Met June auntie ytd! outside shop n save while I was alrdy gg homeee.
Is it fated or what!
It's like she has resigned, she came back ytd to get a letter from lnk. meaning I wont be seeing her alrdy. and I wont know she resigned. omg! so we stood outside shop n save and talked for like near 30 mins!!! so much things have happened at lnk. aisyah also resigned LOLLLL
so should I be thankful I didn't go back?? :D
the 'manager' sucks!! she conducted trng and didnt ask me back. BUT IT'S A GOOD THING!!
they're so manipulative think ppl are stupid???? management so damn bad gosh. so many stories laaaaa. I was so happy I met June auntie which means I dont have to go back to settle anything. WAHAHA.
Just when most of my projs are over and Im contemplating whether I should go back!
left 1 more indiv assignment. rarrrr.

What do I do when life is lacking of colors and simply seems dull?
Found my pair of running shoes LIKE FINALLY.
but what does that mean?? HAHAHAHA feel like gg for a run. a leisure one. rarrrr.
angela recently bought a swimsuit!!! we could go swimming!!!
oh no!!!!!!
life IS so boring, I feel like exercising. Im crazy.
I believe that grade is just a grade.
let's not succumb to societal standards k.
let's not let grades define us.
I've seen enough ppl who have great grades but lousy personality.
And ppl who have mediocre or kinda bad grades with good intellect??
but, there are of cuz ppl w lousy grades and are rly..... :S (but let's not consider this grp of ppl LOL)
so what so what so what so what.
you can say this is self-denial. but, hello, idgaf.
myob. thanks!!!!!!!!!!

After listening to the recordings again, I think euph section isn't weak after all wahahahaha :D

so looking fwd to band tmrw, though it's not ww

Amazedddddd.

dependable and non-dependable.
cool.

YAY westwinds 20th anniv recording finally innnnnnnnnnnn :)))))))))))
Super loving the seamless euph + f horn slow part in Magellan.... oh wheeee~~
gonna listen to them so intently tonight :)

/just when I need motivationnnnnn :D

It's rly super exhausting to talk non-stop for 3 hours explaining and explaining the econs concepts.
omg I felt that my heart and lunged were like squashed, deflated and constricted or something.
Very tiring. Recuperating.
Need to find motivation to chiong the proj.

Read an article on fb :/

My skin oh my skin.
So looking forward to end of projects then I can sleeeeeeeep.
& hopefully all the pimples will just go away.
okay, please??

Ahma is like at KOREA NOW!!!!!!!!
Went to see if she packed hao liao ytd :) hehehe ahma very cute!!!
gah!!
I also want go korea! :(

“… The last scene of the movie should play on the sidewalk outside the theater. And the movie should insight your imagination to the degree that you walk outside and start talking and arguing about it with someone else. If the film answers all the questions for you, I don’t find it terribly interesting. A lot of people go to movies for just that reason—not to think. They go to the movies to blank out. I understand the temptation of that. It’s a powerful temptation. It’s the same reason you play slot machines: you don’t really play to win, you play to blank out. I just don’t find that much of a reason to make a movie, to provide people with a narcotic to blot out two hours of their lives.”
- Paul Schrader

the thing abt a twitter acc is... I dont know.
It's just sometimes we srsly need an avenue to release all that inner thoughts.
and twitter is not that place although it is convenient.
because you kinda pass all that negativity to your friends :(
and you also look like an attention seeker.
I don't know why we have to lead our lives so miserably right
it's like my life, I do what I want but I have to be so sensitive to how others feel.
I judge others I criticise others but I can't accept my own flaws HAHA funny. poke my rip cage oh sorry it's buried so deep beneath my fats
I know I sound super superficial now. but I rly cannot stand my face having so many pimples
do you know how depressing it is??? this feels more depressing than the fact that Im fat. srsly.
I spend the most $$ and the most effort on my face. gosh! and now it is having this v v v v bad outbreak I cant even conceal them with my bb cream fuckkkkk
it's like the facial products I use have this acne prevention thingy. and NOW MY FACE IS INTRUDED BY SO MANY PIMPLES.
I know it must be my sleeping patterns. and my diet. been sleeping so late these days :(
fuck la fuck srsly.
fuck.
cannot concentrate on any thing now.
sometimes I rly understand how some ppl feel abt themselves.
WE FALL INTO THIS SELF-DEFICIENCY TRAP.
I just want to ramble on and on here. but I know I'm being so lameeeeeeeeeeeee
so lame so lame
stop my self-pity
but I rly feel v bad abt itttttttttttttt fuckkkkkkkkkkk

Minghui
Quanhao
Peijun

Elaine
Jiajia

Jerry

NYJCSB

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